


A-1 Headline

by RC_McLachlan



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, There's an 'idiots in love' tag but not an 'idiots in lockup' tag?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 15:04:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6615196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RC_McLachlan/pseuds/RC_McLachlan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Not the first shindig I’ve been thrown out of and I bet you—what was $20 in your time? A buffalo nickel? —bet you a buffalo nickel it won’t be the last.”</p>
<p>“We weren’t thrown out; we were <em>arrested</em>. At the Police and Firefighters Charity Ball. By the <em>guest of honor</em>.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A-1 Headline

**Author's Note:**

> A vignette written for the [tumblr prompt:](http://rcmclachlan.tumblr.com/post/142608124187/for-the-stony-prompts-perhaps-one-of-andor-a) "Our boss sent us to a conference and we got arrested for disturbing the peace, can we expense our bail?"
> 
> Unbeta'd.

“In my defense—" 

“You know, starting a sentence with ‘in my defense’ means you should probably just quit while you’re ahead.”

“There’s not enough room in here for you, me, and the gigantic stick up your super serum’d ass. Unclench a bit, would you? You’re giving me cramps.”

He really tries to not imagine the satisfying _thwank!_ Tony’s head would make against his shield, really he does, but even Steve Rogers is only human at the end of the day. Only human and in holding at Midtown, and apparently the only one who even cares about that. A quick glance to his left finds Tony, cuffs and bow tie undone, slumped against the wall with his legs spread as if he were back at the Tower, trash-talking Clint through the latest video game.

“How are you so calm about this?” Steve demands, because _honestly_.

Tony shrugs. “Not the first shindig I’ve been thrown out of and I bet you—what was $20 in your time? A buffalo nickel? —bet you a buffalo nickel it won’t be the last.”

“We weren’t thrown out; we were _arrested_. At the Police and Firefighters Charity Ball. By the _guest of honor_.”

“I still have no idea where she was keeping two sets of handcuffs,” Tony muses. “Did you see a purse on her? Because I didn’t see a purse. I’d be grossed out if I weren’t so impressed and slightly turned on.“

At least Chief Spalding had apologized before she charged them with disturbing the peace, property damage, and indecent exposure. She could’ve been a little gentler when she marched them straight into a police van waiting outside, but if Steve had been wearing a sparkling dress and impossible heels while two idiots ruined his night, he’d probably be a little rough too. 

“All those people watching—what is everyone going to say?”

“More importantly, what are the _headlines_ going to say? ‘Police Already on Scene to Arrest Beloved Heroes’? ‘New York’s Finest Finally Steal Spotlight Back From Avengers’? ‘Prepare for Trouble and Make It Double’?”

The muscles of his neck must unanimously decide to pack up and go home for the night because his head drops like a sack of flour into his hands, held there by the weight of his shame. Even before he took on the mantle of Captain America and was getting into scraps at the first chance, he was never arrested. Not once. Not even when Jim Ray McDonough tried to get fresh with Ruth Russo and Steve got caught spreading tar over the McDonough stoop by two cops walking the beat. To have his squeaky clean record besmirched like this…

Steve lifts his head just enough to glare over the tips of his fingers. “This is _your_ fault. We were there to patch things over with the new police chief, not make her hate us even more. When Fury sends someone to spring us, I’m gonna make sure you stay here for a _week_.”

“Fury? Oh please,” Tony says with an eye roll. “Like Prince Eyepatch is going to spend money on me, even to save face with his creepy government buddies. I already let Pepper know what happened; she’ll wait a while in the hopes that I’ll learn my lesson but’ll cave after _maybe_ twenty minutes so we don’t repeat the Gallery Opening Incident of 2003.”

“I’m almost too afraid to ask, but—”

“I signed so many non-disclosure agreements about it that if I even _thought_ about telling you, the Chinese delegate will send someone to kill me. In fact, they’re probably already here. If you see a little red dot appear in the middle of my forehead, save yourself. It’s too late for me. But my point is, we’ll be out of here before the clock strikes ten.”

They shouldn’t _be_ here waiting for someone to post bail at all. The last two weeks were spent preparing for tonight, to show the public—and those sworn to serve and protect it—that the Avengers weren’t there to threaten anyone’s jobs or way of life, but to help in times of great need. Tony took him to his personal tailor for a custom suit (and Steve’s pretty sure the tailor owes him dinner for that fitting); the NYPD sent over a liaison to coach him on how to work the room, how best to change hearts and minds; Natasha and Clint taught him how to dance, which sent him into a bit of a funk knowing that his first real waltz wasn’t going to be with the most incredible woman he’d ever known, under the watchful eyes of Sherman Billingsley. 

Steve had been _ready_ for this. He’d been under the impression that Tony was going to take this seriously, if only for Steve’s sake. The animosity between them had long-since ebbed, and months of working and living alongside each other had turned their sniping and bickering into something comfortable, a quick and smart ribbing that allowed for equal shots from both sides, all in good humor. Tense meetings had become movie nights and team dinners; shouting matches morphed into conversations amid blue, floating lights and twittering robots that felt more than most people; _You better stop pretending to be a hero_ had never touched a tongue that could only say _You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known, Tony, and your father would be proud_. It was helping Tony navigate the road back to friendship with Pepper Potts; it was sitting up for hours and talking through his nightmares, his insecurities, his displacement; it was looking to his left on the battlefield and knowing that he was covered. It was being part of a team again. It was letting go of a time he would never be part of again.

He can’t remember a night that he didn’t go to bed smiling, itching for the morning to come in this strange, bright land of tomorrows, so he could pour Tony coffee and stab greedy hands trying to steal his home fries. For all he’d been warned about Anthony Edward Stark’s inability to form healthy, lasting relationships, it had been almost laughably easy to let him in, to be let in. It’s the kind of friendship that Steve hasn’t known for a very long time and, in some ways, ever. 

Which is why he can’t figure out why Tony went and ruined goddamn _everything_. And because he’s never had a problem talking to Tony about anything—up to and including Bucky—Steve asks. _Why?_

Tony says nothing for a very long moment, his entire body frighteningly still even in its indolent sprawl, before he heaves a great, put-upon sigh. “You were bored.”

“I—What?”

“Look, you put on a very brave face and made nice with all the men and women in blue hitting on you, but you couldn’t give a shit about any of it—the schmoozing, the wining and dining—and every time I looked over at you it was like the physical embodiment of sitting through _Far and Away_. So, I figured I’d spice things up. I mean, I didn’t _plan_ on setting fire to the ice swan and ripping the crotch out of my pants—and Renee is gonna kill me for that, this tux is Tom Ford—but sometimes you just gotta roll with the hand you’re dealt. Also, the lady who had a reaction to the stuffed mushrooms? Not my fault. In fact, I _told_ her they looked a little dodgy, but what the hell do I know? I’m just the genius who revolutionized the world like six times over this week alone. Go ahead, Brunhilde, eat a damn fairy ring for all I care.”

Maybe it’s the stuffed mushrooms acting up, but warmth blooms in Steve’s belly and spreads into his chest, and his head feels so light that he’s honestly worried it might just float away. His smile pulls at his cheeks enough to hurt.

“Tony…”

“But hey, on the bright side, no one died. Not even mushroom lady. That’s gotta count for something, right? Don’t I get brownie points for the zero deaths? This is a first, Steven. Like, it’s not a real outing unless the Grim Reaper makes an appearance, usually wearing a custom Zegna. If anything, you should be thanking me. I heard you ask about the state of our prisons, and now you can see firsthand!” Tony sweeps his arm grandly. “And I’ve gotta say, these digs ain’t up to snuff. We should write our congressman. Woman. I have no idea who our congressperson is, but they’re getting a strongly-worded letter about these deplorable—”

Tony may not have set out to ruin the night, but Steve didn’t set out to shut him up with a kiss, so he figures they’re even. 

It’s a few moments of grand discovery, learning the shape of Tony’s mouth and getting used to the bristle of his mustache, but he has a feeling that the delicate way Tony sucks on Steve’s bottom lip until it tingles and then soothes it by pressing soft kisses to it will always feel like a new experience. And there is no way he will ever get used to the sheer delight of quiet laughter being fed to him like this; Tony’s chuckles shudder all the way down Steve’s throat.

It’s **welcome to the 21st century, enjoy your stay** in big, bold font with Tony's name in the bylines.

Steve pulls back a little to memorize the way Tony’s lashes look fanned out over his skin, to be captured later in charcoal or maybe even watercolor, and just as he dips his head back down to catch Tony’s mouth again someone pointedly clears their throat.

On the other side of the bars, Pepper Potts looks reluctantly amused. The cop standing with her, however, is staring at Tony like he caught him getting fresh with his mother. “Honestly, Tony, it hasn’t even been _two hours_.”

“Pep, whatever this looks like… is exactly what it looks like: we’re reenacting my favorite scenes from _OZ_. Hey, hot fuzz, please tell me you’ve got some soap I can drop. Time is of the essence here.”

With a sigh, Steve pushes Tony away and stumbles a little in his haste to get to the cell door. “Miss Potts, I can explain—”

“He’s Toby in this scenario, by the way,” Tony calls. 

The officer gives Steve a betrayed look.

“Let’s just get out of here before Chief Spalding changes her mind and rejects the _very_ generous donation Stark Industries just gave the NYPD in exchange for keeping this out of the press,” Pepper says with a sigh, stepping aside. There’s absolutely nothing on her face to suggest that she’s annoyed, but the way she gestures for him to leave the cell makes him slink guiltily out anyway.

He’s halfway down the hall when Tony’s voice comes wafting down after him.

“If I ask really nicely and slip her a cool million, think Spalding’ll let us keep the handcuffs?”


End file.
